The Lord of the Rings and a mended broken heart

"Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon."

Every morning, before it all starts... I take at least 20 minutes to sit in quiet and pull together my thoughts, goals, aspirations and feelings for the day. On most days, I read a very quick snip of a dev, or a passage from a beloved author, or a poem and reflect on the morning drive to work. I always pull something to stand on, to build on. This morning, to OUT my inner geek, I picked up a commentary based on the Lord of the Rings. If you know me, you know I watch this series regularly, re-read the series every summer by the beach, and wow... do I constantly make references to this story!?! I just love it. It's one of the greats and it has friendship and love and battles and victory and defeat and elves... and mystical sides and little hobbits... I always like how the littlest and gentlest of creatures with much bravery saved middle earth... sort of makes me want to always stay little and gentle and brave.
For the last week and a half, I have had a broken heart. I won't get into the details of the break, but broken for sure...
I knew I needed some rest and take a much needed vacation... but that didn't go over as a vacation,it actually took any small amount of energy I barely had from the last 3 taxing years. It had been at least 5 years, since I took a just for me, unplug vacation... that didn't happen.. .maybe I can try again in another 5 years...

Before the marathon with my mother really picked up, I had set this time to rest, that was more than needed. When it is something, like what she is dealing with, it is a long run, not a quick finish. I was pretty much screwed by not getting the rest.... on this vacation... because I needed to be well to be present...

I came home with a fresh broken heart and she nose dived, metaphorically. All sorts of things were breaking in her, literally and I was broken hearted, hard combo.

I had no other option, but to turn to my friends. I was exhausted. I was thirsty. I was hungry. I was sad. I literally didn't know if I had the strength too or could finish the race ahead of me.

One week, things changed with my mom. One week, it became a sprint section of the marathon and I was literally, jet lagged and exhausted. . . in more ways than physical.

My dad kept telling me both my legs were metaphorically broken the whole way home from the airport, and then kept saying, "it's not how you broke them, it's how you re-set them and play again. It will take courage to get back up but you can do it. People will see you running in from Left Field after breaking both your legs and be blown away you got back up after that. Re-set the leg and take the lesson learned. You are actually in the best place I have ever seen you in, because you lost something of great value to you, here is your chance. Sometimes you have to lose something of value to realize what you have to do..." he spoke to me about the thorn in the side of the Apostle Paul and how sometimes the thing we want the most we can't do.... yikes...

one week, after all the sam wise the braves came along side of me. the support was ridiculous. it came from every single angle. best friends, yoga teachers, family, friends, co-workers, people I didn't even know, noticed me... just came around me in such love. such support. such compassion. literally they carried me, fed me. held me. hugged me. sent me cards, emails, text messages, voice mails. . . the love was humbling. the support was beautiful. I of course, have to sit in the pain and move past it, and that was my own shadow, trust me, i am not John Wayne(ing) this experience, I am just noting... i healed quickly through the love of my friends, family, neighbors and communities. my support system was already in place and I didn't even realize how solid it is...
I know when my mom does pass, these sam wise the braves are right there, and they have been there all along... what a gift.
this morning, I looked at Sam and Frodo, to build.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

This passage this morning reminded me. I am holding on to the same thing..."I remember the taste of strawberries, in the spring... I am beginning to see the shire and I know how the orchards will be in blossom and the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket...."

Thank you, to all my sam wise the braves, I got the message. . .

Jacoby and his dirtbike

When jacoby and I lived in the same home, it was clear, we both had passion and liked to talk to each other. the best thing about him, is that he noticied everything and paid attention to everything that was going on and he knew everything his auntie christina was doing, pretty much. his little cuteness, melted me like you wouldn't believe.

I mean, we talked about everything. played together and pretty much had an understanding, i had sweets and he could come see me anytime and talk about anything.

when it was wild out, raining ice, snow blinding blizzards and it was time to get out, from time to time i would throw on my dirtbike pants when my boarding pants were soaked thru. what are those?jacoby would ask~ those are my dirt bike riding pants. i would say. our cousin was a semi-pro, till his career stopped when he got injured. i would always show Jacoby my dirtbike helmet. i told him that scarano's came from dirtbike riders and he comes from that line.

i mean, not much- of my interests were overlooked by this little pumpkin. pretty sure, he could tell you everything about me. all joking aside.

i danced with a real dirt bike at 4 years old for jacoby, just to hit it out of the park. i finished with the idea of NOT, so that brother mark could maybe snowboard with me this year. last time, i brought him home, from snowboarding he was mildly intoxicated and injured. I literally did nothing wrong, he decided to ride the rail, he fell. i fed him beers to nurse the wound. I think i was a good sister. I know he has kids. But it was my birthday, and scaranos need to bond~ in activities like boarding. Mark and Joe are the only sibs that get on the boards.

What about that? one of the littlest family members caught an idea.

here it is.

he was certain he would get a toy dirtbike. for his birthday. he mentioned it to his parents.

i spoke with brother mark, late and he told me that little jacboy was on this that he was getting a dirtbike~ i said i am on it.

i had under 24 hours and had to work amongst other things, but i stopped at the store and found the ONE last dirtbike toy in the store and bought it on my way to the party.

i showed up late, but you know i had a dirtbike with me.

when i got there, jacboy hugged and greeted me and then stopped what was going on to tell everyone there "look, christina got me a dirtbike."

the assurance floored me.

like, i expected this gift to come to me. i believed it. here it is. the joy, was solid.

this kids rules, and you know what he is on to something we should all step back and get serious about too.

why not a dirtbike?

The Expectancy-value Theory of Motivation tells us, that if we set a goal of value, and believe and expect to suceed will direct impact the motivation. this theory is for learning, yeah i get that~ but check this out "According to the “expectancy-value theory” a learner’s motivation is determined by how much they value the goal, and whether they expect to succeed."

Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.Edwin Louis Cole

Look, of all people~ I know sometimes life is hard. But~ I am expecting the dirtbike, how about you?

expect the dirt bike. expect the best. you might just get it.

kids get value of a gift sometimes adults miss, they also understand the expectancy of good, that adulthood often causes us to miss.

what a sweet reminder to expect the best in a just turned four-year's old wanting of a dirtbike.

archery and bears and a father who taught courage

woke up this morning. maybe an hour into the day i thought about how enjoyable it would be to get into the mountains this weekend with a bow and arrow.

you know like in the opening part of the film hanna, with her kill. she says "I missed your heart?" she is so tough in this film! ... oh boy.. have you seen it? i watched it last week, not my best idea thus far. great film. i ordered a bow and arrow the next morning and got out my hunting motif.

I am pretty sure, the bow and arrow chase and kill part of the opening of this film is related to me watching suffering. but on a postive note, i am going to love archery.
i can feel it in my inner guts. like, that bow and arrow should of been with me a lot longer, i have found out.

i actually just thought to myself, i wonder if i could catch a bear, like my father.

why do i think i could catch a bear?

i bet i could train for that. maybe I will take a ride up north and pratice running through the woods this weekend and put up some targets on trees to shoot at to get the feel.

i am pretty sure, i could do it with my new bow and arrow.

I was with my father when we encountered a bear. i also was at home, when he came in with his bear. I still remember on really cold nights, looking that BEAR that hung in the hunted section of the ski house~ in the eyes and knowing not only could my father take down a bear he could get us away from one if needed. there is a real solid assurance in the life of a child that comes from your father being the greatest and bravest and strongest man in the universe.

we had a family house at mad river glenn. if you are a skier you know this spot and you skied it if you can.

we used to go into the woods by the ski house get clay by the river. we made little cups and bowls for keep sakes...

by the mad river in the woods... next to my twin i heard these words from my father who bent down to our size... i don't even know if we were three yet, we started to ski at two so we were small...

"christina and joseph, there is a bear. do not move and talk to me so the bear knows you are little"

"should we climb a tree?" I ask. Joe answered. "no" he always answered. it's the best.

we were little.

But joe still knew what was best for his twin sister.

i like that.

when i saw the bear fake charge,they DO this. IT has just as serious implications as a REAL one. they are trying to see if you are a threat and they also are trying to say, Go AWAY, please in BEAR before i kill you. i just remember thinking, dad is not afraid. so i won't be.

it's a little foggy, we walked away slowly for a moment and then we ran, SO ran fast and the bear was on the other side of the river.i remember my dad picking me up at the collar at some places to lift me so we could pick up speed. i was never so excited in my entire life. the bear was protecting the cubs. the bear didn't want us. my father protected his cubs. i remember the facial hair, it was a symbol of a brave man, even then i knew, this was not your typical man.


we must of been two steps in and i was like, we saw a BEAR! i ran so fast, i was flying and bears are nice... especially mamma bears. there was no fear.

Look, I know my Dad was rattled, I am sure the charge of a momma bear was not exactly what he wanted to see with his young twins at his feet. he stayed as cool as a cucumber and showed no fear.
kids, can sense bravery in a father. they can also sense fear.

I remember him saying, we need to be careful right now. you need to listen carefully to me. that was the extent of anything remotely close to alarming.

to this day, there is a bit of a running conversation amongst me and the sibs and all the kids, because there are grandkids, that aren't typical grandkid age that he was influencial in their lives as well who are older than me...about the things my dad showed us so young and into our adulthood, that changed, forever the fabric of who we ARE, who we became and who we will forever be.

As my mom's most beloved put it, Maya Angelou "Courage is the most important of the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."

How glorious a virtue. How needed are fathers who teach their children courage.

Regret. clearly not an option.

" i have been a fool and i have been blind. i can never leave the past behind. i am always dragging that horse around. tonight i am going to bury that horse in the ground. "

"...and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off. i am done with my graceless heart, so tonight i am going to cut it out and then restart."

what female can't relate to that?

The day my mom went in for her open heart, we thought she was going to die. we said goodbye. everyone was praying for a miracle. she has the balls to sing no regrets by frankie as they wheeled her away. she gave a smirk to me and joe, like we had never seen before. joe said, she was smirking like she was going home. like such a rascal.

how could she face death, just like that, say goodbye and roll away singing no regrets?
i will never forget how spunky she was.

words cannot describe the shock we had when she lived. words will never touch my response when we heard she came off life support. i literally wept so hard, i was silent.

i walked in the room as mass general with my twin after my father had seen her.
i said i am surprised to see you. she said not as surprised as i am to see you. we all laughed.
her body was broken in ways, a body shouldn't be while still being alive.

the courage that she showed. the way she fought to be alive after that surgery was like chariots of fire.
she has weakened, as of late, but i know who she is. she is this wildly strong marching to the beat of her own drummer, sweet rascal that won't take a bad attitude. she has not complained once. not once.
she clearly has no regrets.
she clearly loves herself.

one of my sisters, deirdre, the one who rules in business. i think when she was in her early twenties, she was already a VP and doing things just like my father, just exceptional in business. Deirdre is always happy.
during this time, she thought she was having a heart attack.
she went to the hospital.
we have heart disease in our family.
my dad's dad died at 40, massive heart attack. my dad had the same one, and didn't die, he was very young. i think i was 21~ riding behind the ambulance thinking i had lost my father... i lost it then, and i was losing it now, thinking my sister would drop too.
my mom was in rough shape and my sister was having a heart attack too?

my phone rang... i heard my sweet sisters voice... and she said.. so, i am not having a heart attack, i have a broken heart because mom is sick. they diagnosed me with a broken heart.
the courage my sister showed, having a doctor tell her she had a broken heart and then re-starting with that knowledge. most people don't even go there. she gets up every morning and cries over our mom and journals, before anyone starts the day, so that she can be her best.
that courage blows me away.

what is my no regret story?
where is my courage?


on my way home from yoga last night. i was crying. i couldn't see the road. i pulled over. i BLASTED "shake it off" by florence and the machine and i literally on the side of the road, last night just sat with my broken heart till it let up.

" i am going to cut it out and re-start" hurt when it came over the speakers.

i am thankful no cops were around.

i am not going to apologize for being madly in love with my mom and completely feeling my whole universe shake in her suffering.

one thing i know. i will live with no regrets, have too much fun and love with much maddness.

to watch someone suffer bears a compassion and courage that is needed in a world crawling with cowards.

don't dance with a devil on your back, shake it off.

that image of my mom singing no regrets has imprinted my soul.

tonight i am going to bury my regrets in the ground...

Sea LEGS, Eli's kiss, sharks and the key to never giving up.

a few years ago, i packed up my VW BUG, left a job in fashion, a life in boston and drove. i left in the middle of the night, shortly after my 28th birthday. My father Henry, the man the mark the mission, got up in the middle of the night and decided he would be the man to take me through the night past NYC to VA beach. HE did. My VW lost the front end somewhere in Maryland so we simply DUCKtaped it and then someplace in the Bronx the bug let us know, if we shut it off it wouldn't keep going. BUT i had my map, and I sure as anything was going south. I was thinking maybe I'd end up in Savie, GA and have a little white house with a porch and I would write about all the things i saw and all the things i imagined and then even sometimes i would play around with the idea of Hilton head, and getting my speed-boat, moonshine and Great Gatsby mantra really rolling. Maybe starting and under the table poker night, that would lead to the import export of moonshine... i would ride speed boats, smoke Cubans and wear fancy fedoras and pin-stripes.

a constant rant...

grief. i hate you but i am forced to embrace you.
i get really quiet. and i realize the shortness of this life.
the sky is so blue and
my heart is SO broken.
how the heck do you stay healthy during these times?
i read every book i can get my paws on.
i work out everyday.
i pray.
i do yoga.
i am madly in love with my girfriends.
my cup is full, most of the time.
but sometimes i throw it to the ground and you know what i don't care.

maybe if i had made other choices, followed my "wild" adventures, had babies, got married and could somehow disconnect to my mom, then... i wouldn't be who i am today.
someone needs to write a book on losing a mom. i mean there is no instruction manual for this one.

maybe i loved her too much. maybe that's what people think. i don't really care, i'd rather love too much then love to little. loving to little is mundane.

i didn't know the person that built me would suffer until death.

i want to be one of those people who stuffs there emotions sometimes. i have emeresed myself in hot yoga and then in B.E.S.T. holistic medicine, grief groups, support systems...etc. and i think it's all well and good that i am "strong" and "healthy" but you know what, i want my mom to not suffer and that overwhelms me.
all joking aside i have old yella' flashes every morning. put'em down. make it stop. give her peace.

she has not said one thing about her suffering which melts my mind.

how precious it is to see such dignity.

Puppies in Windows and Deep forgiveness.

i am having a hard time dressing myself today, but hot damn my heart is exploding with a new hope. my pants fell down a couple times. i didNOT realize all this cycling would shred it like it has. i woke up this morning, and wowza... crack the shutters, snow patrol was and is the only descriptor on how i woke up. forgiveness will do this.
i woke up and felt, a solid 20 pounds lighter on the inside. i sprung out of bed with a sleepy face, made the coffee and negoitated with eli, on the hour it was and how he should arise and face the glory of the morning. i tried to convince him to take a jog, but it was before 7 am and i think he thought i had a nerve for attempting this. i stopped. i thought about all the places my heart went this week. i was somewhere between a vampire, audrey hepburn and a lost little puppy in the window on a snowy Christmas morning, homeless.
i have truly forgiven myself, my mom, the tobacco industry, not so much, but that may never pass.
if you have been following my blog you would know i slammed the daughter wall like a hot mess. in my morning time, today i read this and i will share it with you.
"Forgiveness means letting go of the past."

heck yeah, it does and it feels like a puppy in the window coming home for Christmas.

there is a running joke that i have with my mom. it's that she says this to me "daughters blame their moms for everything, it is always the mother's fault." i ALWAYS say "right, who else is their to blame?" and she belly laughs everytime. it's true.

oh, how good forgiveness is, how beautiful an action... how sweet is a forgiving heart.

Why Wakefield heard my rendie of Adele, someone like you this morn

For the last two days, i have felt like my communication style is that of a fountain that won't flow right. you know the sad ones your try to throw your penny in and you almost can't make a wish because it is so pathetic? like the wish won't count because it's not a real fountain. almost like a lost puppy. every single time i have tried to communicate what is going on...on the inside for the last couple days i have looked alot like that sad little fountain. on sunday, i was quiet after a hot yoga pratice and every fight i ever had with my mom crossed my memory. every mean word, every dirty look, every slammed door, every fight on christmas, every heart ache, every... every single time one of us hung up on one another. every time i got hurt. everytime i hurt her. so this has clearly made me a little wild for the last two days. of course all the questions start. did i break her heart? why did she hurt me?was i a bad daughter? why was i not mature enough to always love her? why did i have to have my teenage years? i wish i could of taken back every single thing that i said, that may of hurt her. why did she hurt me? why did we fight? why? why AM i watching her suffer and all i can do is cry because i might of sucked as a daughter?
i know i didn't. i know we loved each other too much. i know we were just walking thru broken places to get to whole places. i know we were just human. i know all of this, but my heart hurts. i am over here taking off the metaphorical armor and trying to put it back on, and i am trying to protect my mom and protect my heart and make it thru this with a level of decency and grace. i got so mad and humbled by accountability yesterday, because every single mean thing i ever said to my mom flooded my memory. LOOK, i am not focusing on the negative, i am just being honest. EVERY mean thing she said seemed so small, when i looked in the mirror at my own words. regardless i called kim and cried as per usual. called my sister and told her and she of course made an epic comment about letting these walls come down. then of course there was that call i made, there is always that moment. like when sam wise carries frodo to mordor...the part of the journey that was a touch sloppy but what he said was this 'don't protect your mom because she is sick' and at the moment i knew i had a hard conversation ahead of me with my mom.

i got all the answers. what blew me AWAY was the sincere response of my mom. she doesn't even realize how special she is to me. i would give her my LUNGS if it would heal her. i would carry her on my back for the rest of my life, if i could sustain her. i really would.

i was coming down with a cold, my throat was sore. i have been tea' drinkin' for two days. after the conversation, i went to bed. i woke up this morning. my throat felt amazing. like honey covered it. like i spent the day at the beach and just had my first glass of water, after taking a nap on the beach, good.

i got in the shower, and i sang Adele's Someone like you to my MOM. (not a GUY) I knew I had over come. I knew i needed to raise my voice.

i kid you not, i googled, throat chakra healing today. one of my yogi teachers told me to google it on sunday, i never know what these little epic creatures are up too but when they say things to me, i listen. i found the throat chakra snipped above.

in between a struggling yogi and a grieving daughter, courage was found

This morning, I am wobbling around on a sprained ankle, a coffee lack, and a bit of frustration at the condition of my foot.
I am five mice in, restless due to this mouse invasion in my home and I am making breakfast. THEN it happens: I catch a fly with my bare hand. Thank you small epiphany, I needed you. It brought me back to my journey. To the REAL truth if you discipline yourself, your body, your emotions, your diet, your self-control, your full expression, your free spirit, you can make it to a place that you can find strength. Trust me, this is a hard lesson, but I learned it. On the inside I felt frustrated, overly run down and salty this morning! The noted frustration of not being able to get my hard cardio last night, lack of sleep due to this and the family of mice that have enjoyed my home, making a morning zombie out of me… BUT I remain focused and caught the fly, somewhere inside me it was instinct to zero in. Catching the fly was as easy and natural to me as yawning. This caught my attention. I on the inside just wanted to crawl back into bed… but what… there was some focus in there… who knew? Well, I knew. It was a lesson that drove me to me knees, much this past year.
I sat down at my kitchen table, moved the mouse trap and waited till the tea pot my mother gave me whistled. Just as I was able to catch the fly with my cat like reflexes.... on the outside I had created the cat like reaction, but how did I get to this place? The PLACE where I would be able to move past this sense of being overwhelmed on the inside with an outward expression of discipline. Here we go! A little bit on how I got here, this year.
I have been immersed in hot yoga, since I started grieving very hard the illness of my best friend and mother. To watch this suffering of my mother just hang on for YEARS has driven me face first, down, on my knees into hot yoga. The warmth of the room reminded me of being held, comforted so I was interested in that. Also, the heat was very useful in helping RE-establish a relationship of my lungs and my overall well-being. When I first started during my mom’s recovery to an epic open heart surgery, and battled the everyday that has become her path… late last winter… to lay still to me on a yoga matt drove me MAD. It has recently changed...I literally wanted to stand up and scream are you people BLIND, suffering is all over me. Go screw yourselves, you are all detached!!! ”I refused to lay down and be with myself and the whole time I could not lay still and I could not understand any of these people. I literally thought I may have found my “much madness” in the straight fact I couldn’t lie down for 5 minutes on my back, after an intense CORE work-out. Who the heck after doing such a hard work-out, can’t lie down? None other than me. I am certain this was my angry at death, stage. This balanced, kind well-established-decent woman could not lie on her back. that makes no sense. I had lost a sense of everything being ok and was new to this hot yoga and to this grief, to be honest. I started to find my drive to the yoga studio my time to cry. My place to be vulnerable. Where I could unravel and not have to be “on” all the time. Then I started to find on my yoga matt that I was forced to look at myself and to be honest, my place to weep and ironically fight with myself. I cried through every class for 6 months, every warrior one and warrior two, every arm balance I tried and failed, every downward dog, every push up. Then, as I continuously went every push up, every sit up every warrior two when I wanted to scream, things started to melt. I started to find that I could do anything I set my mind too despite being covered in grief. Love came. Anger melted. Hope stirred. I was standing in a room of 97 degrees doing intense things and not breaking. This re-connected me to courage. I know that I am brave. Then I became brave enough to keep going to yoga. I just needed an outward reminder to be brought inward. Hot yoga did this, and so much more. When I caught the fly, I remembered I learned this. Two weeks ago, I did my first crow. Last week, I did my first side arm balance. I am no longer weeping through my hot yoga practice. This week, I have already cycled 40 miles, to train for a 100 mile bike ride to benefit charity. I just got on a cycle bike this weekend. I tend to be overly ambitous. But I like it that way. I felt inspired to ride a 100 mile ride for charity, for a bucket list, for GLORY, really. GLORY fires me up. Through the practical practice of self discipline you can find a way to be balanced in circumstances that are trying. I think the character of a man is shown, as Martin Luther King said “The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where the stand in times of challenge and controversy.” Isn’t that the truth! So I caught the fly, because the effect of my dedication to stay with it, of not giving up, changed me. I can catch the fly, with a sprained ankle because I learned how to be composed when all my insides were in utter chaos. To me, that’s something I learned in doing this hot yoga and being brave enough and broken enough to stay on the matt.

Leaving a legacy- Living a life of legacy

as most of you know- i can get really fired up about things. living a life of leaving a legacy on purpose is one of them. i do believe that we get one life- so we mine as well- kill it on this one- if you don't care about leaving a legacy, just close out now. if you are sick of my epic tales and random rants when i think things are hilarious and you may not- click the x. or when i get deep about my hospital visits with my mom.

What does my legacy look like? asks my mother from her hospital bed. Why we have such moving conversations from the hospital is beyond me but it happens. She tends to like to ask me very deep things that stir me till I am up most of the night.

After this question, i got home from the hospital some time after midnight and went for a little cognac. what does my legacy looks like?

My legacy, I have looked at before.Sketched and lived out?What is my mission statement? Is that a legacy? are they different? what is this, purpose ? . . . or is it what i want to be left behind? IS a legacy living?

I have played with all those questions.

Here is my bottom line (s).

reject and cut the ties of medicocracy in your life.

be free to be who you are.

laugh at your own jokes.

find out who you are and do it on purpose.

take risks,lots of them.

if you fear man, you will never be able to be bold.

if you fail, more than once, you will learn the lessons that are needed to suceed.

let go of trying to figure out who you want to be what you want to do and focus on a simple purpose and misson statement for your life and do it.

don't take yourself to seriously. no one else is. mine is this: my legacy has facets of giving back,dreams,goals, fun activities and so on, helping orphans, making certain things a reality, so on and so forth.



but legacy- SIMPLE Version without all the hits and to-do's my written one is as follows:

live a life of relentless passion, fun, love, adventure,sacrafice and friendship. be of a singularity of mind to reject the ties of mediocracy and seek greatness. love deeply and give freely. be authentic and have a life that testifies to knowing who I am and where I am going and the I am loved, divinely. Go after my dreams and fear not.

*one thing i have found that helps with the fear not- is sitting in dragon pose, and pidegon, (on both legs) for 30-45 minutes straight and freaking out- once a week- usually sundays...will help you face extreme discomfort that will in turn help you get inside your fears, discomfort and all that jazz- and be able to overcome. love God with a wreckless abandon.



you sit in yourself- and face it- you can then move past it.

go and do something about being alive.

maybe even just laugh and appreciate the silly.



Christina

birthdate week epiphany, 32.

32. here.i.go.


i woke up with the kind of hangover that should be banned to Mexico. i don't know entirely what got into me and why at 10 o'clock at night i was at my home doing handstands on my head and re-thinking my birth date epiphanies... but i was. i know why i was re-thinking, because one of my best friends, the sweetest woman challenged me to take a huge professional chance... what this looks like.. .yet to be determined but it will look vastly different from what is going down right now.





it's been a hard couple years for me, to be honest, and this is NO knock at all on anything, but last born date my mom was in M.G.H and the one before- the condition was so hard out that my birthday was just a reminder that i was alive. literally.





this born date was like I'm ALIVE so much alive and full of strength and joy that i can and will do yoga poses after taking out a few martinis and a bottle plus of wine and rethink how to kill it professionally and what goals i will nail down and put out for 32. i have stuck to this practice, since i found out about goal setting at 13.. .but the only poor bastards that had to hear about it


my parents


my best friends. . .





now you can hear about, laugh about, even maybe think about some fun for yourselves.





2011. 32. goal one. ride a giraffe in Africa.





more than anything i want to ride a giraffe into the sunset- i would even settle for the sunrise. i actually have a strong desire for this. . . i would ride an ostrich too, same idea, same notion, same dream -area. I actually like the ostrich and hate them at the same time. like i want to punch one in the face and hug it in one motion. not sure what is going on there. the giraffe, the open safari, the sun... this is something I need to figure to do before the year is up.





on a more serious note, my heart has wanted to go to Africa and safari.


i watch the shows.


i try to learn the noises.


for some strange reason i can identify most poisonous snakes (oh there is a story there)


* why i can identify snakes?*


Henry Scarano. one man. one mark. one mission. he was epic like chris carb's name of a dashboard confessional album before dashboard even became dashboard.





if you don't know, now you know. My father- had this how to teach his kids not to have any fear mantra when i was growing up.


VA beach-back country-dirtbike tracks *home of my uncle*my father's brother.


this man is a national-fighter- a marine and taught after the service, the marines, how to fight this was how he landed in norfolk, va. we won't get into the deets...





this is my beloved uncle. a man i spent a summer trying to be like at 29 and a childhood admiring... a man who could crush you with his love, and pick you up with his pinky.





my cousin won all sorts of awards on dirtbikes, big time racer as a kid. so when we would visit the cousins at VA beach we would always hit the tracks. how did we get to the homemade one you ask? ps i couldn't of been past my daddy's hip when i was riding a dirt bike and learning about snakes.


Daddy:" Christina to get to the race track you have to get thru this area."


Christina: "ok, daddy. is there something wrong with this area. the dogs won't go near it."


mind you we were staring at some wood damp area.


Daddy:" do you hear the noise?"


Christina: "yes, daddy, sort of sounds like crickets."


Daddy: " no Christina, those are cottonmouths maybe,(oh the maybe was so REASSURING) cooperheads and rattlesnakes. we aren't in the yard at home anymore, it's different here. just run really fast and be very light on your feet. I will be right next to you."


Christina "ok, daddy, tell me when to go"


so, that may of had something to do with it. you know what else- may of...



this little spring.





Alligator Point, Tallahassee, Florida.


my mother's beloved sister lived here. we would visit often.


Henry the Fish.


Wakula Springs, Florida.





a few words on that one.





this is a place, where you would swim not an arms length away from alligators and jump off what appeared to be the size of a New York City Sky scraper to someone so small.



I spent my summers knowing this place well, I even knew which board was my fav. to jump off of, for the most air.


when you approached the beach the sign said, "no small children or dogs allowed"





so, my parents would take us here, so we could take a swim and we loved it.





I think the Boat tour and the Fish named Henry was the best thing I ever saw.


having a gingerale on a small boat and looking at an alligator swim under the glass paddle boat and being taught it was no big deal- is something i think every child should experience...





why? because when HUGE scary things happen, little 5'3 adults can stand up for what is right, even if it may cost them everything.


after jumping off the high jump:





Christina: " daddy, the water is warm, but something tickles my legs on the way up"


Daddy: "oh, those are just the water snakes"


Christina:" will they bite me?"


Daddy: "no, they won't bother you unless you bother them."


Christina: "it feels like i might be bothering them, they swim up with me."


Daddy: "oh, you would know if one bites you. you would get very sick, fast and do not be afraid, i am right here, i would suck the bad out."


Christina: "like how you suck the bee poison out when i get stung?" (I am allergic to bees)


Daddy: "yes. christina. just like that."











2011. 32. goal two. speak a new language.


i am going to take a class. to learn a new language. i already know what the language is.


details to come on this one...





may you all be covered in love today and find maybe a little adventure... this year too.





xo, christina

Dream Big- Bucket List Revisited

As life goes, I manage to not blog as much as I promise, I forget the sugar in the coffee and I always have some sort of hilarious adventure along with a touch of beautiful irony and fun.

My father mentioned the Blog this weekend and if you know me all that amazing person has to do is sneeze and I am at the store buying Kleenex... so... let's look at the Bucket list for 2011.

BUCKET LIST-2011 and counting

sigh.. now I have some new adventures to work on for 2011...

1. get into the best possible shape- I want it to be so I can be beaten down in a knife fight and still survive, get into a scuffle with a shark and come out victorious... you know the type of concerns you can run into... on the day to day.




2. take ownership of a wreckless abandon to the things that move me. for example, fun, laughter, banishing fear, being kind, giving to others, dancing when no one is watching, friendships, adventuring around in the mundane and the extra-oridnary... living a life of love. at the end of all of this, that will be the one thing friends and family could say... is that "she loved".




3. drink snake blood in thailand.




4. stop getting tattoos, maybe?




5. drive a mini cooper in europe. (Why didn't I think of that when it was right there!)




6. ride a cow in mykonos (i have seen them and been up close but never thought to ride one until just now=regret)




7. go to ireland and sing pub songs in irish pubs and run thru the rolling green hills.




8. publish and finish.




9. ride train (s) across the U.S.A




10. drive a race car.




11. learn the lesson from my parents- that loving like today is the last day is the only way to live. until i saw this romance- i had no idea WHAT wreckless abandon to love looked like- they are an amazing couple, real soulmates.




12. ride in a hot air ballon




13. maybe sign up for cupcake wars



14. go to a hot spring.



15. stop wishing that vampire slayer was/is a real job.



16. de-tach from my iphone for an hour a day, everyday not including sleepy time.