Jacoby and his dirtbike

When jacoby and I lived in the same home, it was clear, we both had passion and liked to talk to each other. the best thing about him, is that he noticied everything and paid attention to everything that was going on and he knew everything his auntie christina was doing, pretty much. his little cuteness, melted me like you wouldn't believe.

I mean, we talked about everything. played together and pretty much had an understanding, i had sweets and he could come see me anytime and talk about anything.

when it was wild out, raining ice, snow blinding blizzards and it was time to get out, from time to time i would throw on my dirtbike pants when my boarding pants were soaked thru. what are those?jacoby would ask~ those are my dirt bike riding pants. i would say. our cousin was a semi-pro, till his career stopped when he got injured. i would always show Jacoby my dirtbike helmet. i told him that scarano's came from dirtbike riders and he comes from that line.

i mean, not much- of my interests were overlooked by this little pumpkin. pretty sure, he could tell you everything about me. all joking aside.

i danced with a real dirt bike at 4 years old for jacoby, just to hit it out of the park. i finished with the idea of NOT, so that brother mark could maybe snowboard with me this year. last time, i brought him home, from snowboarding he was mildly intoxicated and injured. I literally did nothing wrong, he decided to ride the rail, he fell. i fed him beers to nurse the wound. I think i was a good sister. I know he has kids. But it was my birthday, and scaranos need to bond~ in activities like boarding. Mark and Joe are the only sibs that get on the boards.

What about that? one of the littlest family members caught an idea.

here it is.

he was certain he would get a toy dirtbike. for his birthday. he mentioned it to his parents.

i spoke with brother mark, late and he told me that little jacboy was on this that he was getting a dirtbike~ i said i am on it.

i had under 24 hours and had to work amongst other things, but i stopped at the store and found the ONE last dirtbike toy in the store and bought it on my way to the party.

i showed up late, but you know i had a dirtbike with me.

when i got there, jacboy hugged and greeted me and then stopped what was going on to tell everyone there "look, christina got me a dirtbike."

the assurance floored me.

like, i expected this gift to come to me. i believed it. here it is. the joy, was solid.

this kids rules, and you know what he is on to something we should all step back and get serious about too.

why not a dirtbike?

The Expectancy-value Theory of Motivation tells us, that if we set a goal of value, and believe and expect to suceed will direct impact the motivation. this theory is for learning, yeah i get that~ but check this out "According to the “expectancy-value theory” a learner’s motivation is determined by how much they value the goal, and whether they expect to succeed."

Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.Edwin Louis Cole

Look, of all people~ I know sometimes life is hard. But~ I am expecting the dirtbike, how about you?

expect the dirt bike. expect the best. you might just get it.

kids get value of a gift sometimes adults miss, they also understand the expectancy of good, that adulthood often causes us to miss.

what a sweet reminder to expect the best in a just turned four-year's old wanting of a dirtbike.

archery and bears and a father who taught courage

woke up this morning. maybe an hour into the day i thought about how enjoyable it would be to get into the mountains this weekend with a bow and arrow.

you know like in the opening part of the film hanna, with her kill. she says "I missed your heart?" she is so tough in this film! ... oh boy.. have you seen it? i watched it last week, not my best idea thus far. great film. i ordered a bow and arrow the next morning and got out my hunting motif.

I am pretty sure, the bow and arrow chase and kill part of the opening of this film is related to me watching suffering. but on a postive note, i am going to love archery.
i can feel it in my inner guts. like, that bow and arrow should of been with me a lot longer, i have found out.

i actually just thought to myself, i wonder if i could catch a bear, like my father.

why do i think i could catch a bear?

i bet i could train for that. maybe I will take a ride up north and pratice running through the woods this weekend and put up some targets on trees to shoot at to get the feel.

i am pretty sure, i could do it with my new bow and arrow.

I was with my father when we encountered a bear. i also was at home, when he came in with his bear. I still remember on really cold nights, looking that BEAR that hung in the hunted section of the ski house~ in the eyes and knowing not only could my father take down a bear he could get us away from one if needed. there is a real solid assurance in the life of a child that comes from your father being the greatest and bravest and strongest man in the universe.

we had a family house at mad river glenn. if you are a skier you know this spot and you skied it if you can.

we used to go into the woods by the ski house get clay by the river. we made little cups and bowls for keep sakes...

by the mad river in the woods... next to my twin i heard these words from my father who bent down to our size... i don't even know if we were three yet, we started to ski at two so we were small...

"christina and joseph, there is a bear. do not move and talk to me so the bear knows you are little"

"should we climb a tree?" I ask. Joe answered. "no" he always answered. it's the best.

we were little.

But joe still knew what was best for his twin sister.

i like that.

when i saw the bear fake charge,they DO this. IT has just as serious implications as a REAL one. they are trying to see if you are a threat and they also are trying to say, Go AWAY, please in BEAR before i kill you. i just remember thinking, dad is not afraid. so i won't be.

it's a little foggy, we walked away slowly for a moment and then we ran, SO ran fast and the bear was on the other side of the river.i remember my dad picking me up at the collar at some places to lift me so we could pick up speed. i was never so excited in my entire life. the bear was protecting the cubs. the bear didn't want us. my father protected his cubs. i remember the facial hair, it was a symbol of a brave man, even then i knew, this was not your typical man.


we must of been two steps in and i was like, we saw a BEAR! i ran so fast, i was flying and bears are nice... especially mamma bears. there was no fear.

Look, I know my Dad was rattled, I am sure the charge of a momma bear was not exactly what he wanted to see with his young twins at his feet. he stayed as cool as a cucumber and showed no fear.
kids, can sense bravery in a father. they can also sense fear.

I remember him saying, we need to be careful right now. you need to listen carefully to me. that was the extent of anything remotely close to alarming.

to this day, there is a bit of a running conversation amongst me and the sibs and all the kids, because there are grandkids, that aren't typical grandkid age that he was influencial in their lives as well who are older than me...about the things my dad showed us so young and into our adulthood, that changed, forever the fabric of who we ARE, who we became and who we will forever be.

As my mom's most beloved put it, Maya Angelou "Courage is the most important of the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."

How glorious a virtue. How needed are fathers who teach their children courage.

Regret. clearly not an option.

" i have been a fool and i have been blind. i can never leave the past behind. i am always dragging that horse around. tonight i am going to bury that horse in the ground. "

"...and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off. i am done with my graceless heart, so tonight i am going to cut it out and then restart."

what female can't relate to that?

The day my mom went in for her open heart, we thought she was going to die. we said goodbye. everyone was praying for a miracle. she has the balls to sing no regrets by frankie as they wheeled her away. she gave a smirk to me and joe, like we had never seen before. joe said, she was smirking like she was going home. like such a rascal.

how could she face death, just like that, say goodbye and roll away singing no regrets?
i will never forget how spunky she was.

words cannot describe the shock we had when she lived. words will never touch my response when we heard she came off life support. i literally wept so hard, i was silent.

i walked in the room as mass general with my twin after my father had seen her.
i said i am surprised to see you. she said not as surprised as i am to see you. we all laughed.
her body was broken in ways, a body shouldn't be while still being alive.

the courage that she showed. the way she fought to be alive after that surgery was like chariots of fire.
she has weakened, as of late, but i know who she is. she is this wildly strong marching to the beat of her own drummer, sweet rascal that won't take a bad attitude. she has not complained once. not once.
she clearly has no regrets.
she clearly loves herself.

one of my sisters, deirdre, the one who rules in business. i think when she was in her early twenties, she was already a VP and doing things just like my father, just exceptional in business. Deirdre is always happy.
during this time, she thought she was having a heart attack.
she went to the hospital.
we have heart disease in our family.
my dad's dad died at 40, massive heart attack. my dad had the same one, and didn't die, he was very young. i think i was 21~ riding behind the ambulance thinking i had lost my father... i lost it then, and i was losing it now, thinking my sister would drop too.
my mom was in rough shape and my sister was having a heart attack too?

my phone rang... i heard my sweet sisters voice... and she said.. so, i am not having a heart attack, i have a broken heart because mom is sick. they diagnosed me with a broken heart.
the courage my sister showed, having a doctor tell her she had a broken heart and then re-starting with that knowledge. most people don't even go there. she gets up every morning and cries over our mom and journals, before anyone starts the day, so that she can be her best.
that courage blows me away.

what is my no regret story?
where is my courage?


on my way home from yoga last night. i was crying. i couldn't see the road. i pulled over. i BLASTED "shake it off" by florence and the machine and i literally on the side of the road, last night just sat with my broken heart till it let up.

" i am going to cut it out and re-start" hurt when it came over the speakers.

i am thankful no cops were around.

i am not going to apologize for being madly in love with my mom and completely feeling my whole universe shake in her suffering.

one thing i know. i will live with no regrets, have too much fun and love with much maddness.

to watch someone suffer bears a compassion and courage that is needed in a world crawling with cowards.

don't dance with a devil on your back, shake it off.

that image of my mom singing no regrets has imprinted my soul.

tonight i am going to bury my regrets in the ground...