it's been so long for me that i am uncertain that i could even remember when my mom first had her heart and lungs fail. all i know is i was out with kim the night before and we went out for a martini and had such a nice chat. i would say it's been a little over three years, i might even go back as far as four. I've been in this rabbit hole for so long, I am not sure of how long.
saturday morning instead of a wonderful anticipation of the day, yoga, a trip to soulfest or my usual expentancy of great things i headed to the vet.
not eli you are saying, yes, eli...
it appears that a part of his heart is not working properly and his heart is leaking blood. apparently he is working over time to pump out the blood that is leaking into other parts of the heart.
i am taking him to see a cardiologist.
i brought my sister deirdre, one because i knew if the words had to be hard to hear i would begin to shut down and have only the ability to catch one or two words here and there.
one phrase i caught " lead to congestive heart failure"
this is what happened with my mom
another grouping i caught " will shorten his life, even on the medicine"
on the car ride my sister said things like " maybe you will open a cupcake bakery and give to kids dying of heart issues" " you always say Dog's have a unique life purpose, Eli had purpose, you always say that" " you are strong, you can handle this" "it's not your fault, a part of the heart didn't develop the Vet said".
meanwhile i was holding so close, my love eli !!!
i literally was so heartbroken i could only make out a few words i just kept having all these memories of eli.
that night, the simple words " you have to wait in the darkness of the night for the morning to see the sunrise...that is what this song is about." just so happened to be said, before a song- played by a band my sweet sister plays in.
that was it, so simple so clear. i said to myself "hold on for the sunrise."
i happen to like that, looking at the dark night, knowing that a sunrise is on the horizon soon.
i am going to hold on for the sunrise.
i know it's coming.
