" i have been a fool and i have been blind. i can never leave the past behind. i am always dragging that horse around. tonight i am going to bury that horse in the ground. "
"...and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off. i am done with my graceless heart, so tonight i am going to cut it out and then restart."
what female can't relate to that?
The day my mom went in for her open heart, we thought she was going to die. we said goodbye. everyone was praying for a miracle. she has the balls to sing no regrets by frankie as they wheeled her away. she gave a smirk to me and joe, like we had never seen before. joe said, she was smirking like she was going home. like such a rascal.
how could she face death, just like that, say goodbye and roll away singing no regrets?
i will never forget how spunky she was.
words cannot describe the shock we had when she lived. words will never touch my response when we heard she came off life support. i literally wept so hard, i was silent.
i walked in the room as mass general with my twin after my father had seen her.
i said i am surprised to see you. she said not as surprised as i am to see you. we all laughed.
her body was broken in ways, a body shouldn't be while still being alive.
the courage that she showed. the way she fought to be alive after that surgery was like chariots of fire.
she has weakened, as of late, but i know who she is. she is this wildly strong marching to the beat of her own drummer, sweet rascal that won't take a bad attitude. she has not complained once. not once.
she clearly has no regrets.
she clearly loves herself.
one of my sisters, deirdre, the one who rules in business. i think when she was in her early twenties, she was already a VP and doing things just like my father, just exceptional in business. Deirdre is always happy.
during this time, she thought she was having a heart attack.
she went to the hospital.
we have heart disease in our family.
my dad's dad died at 40, massive heart attack. my dad had the same one, and didn't die, he was very young. i think i was 21~ riding behind the ambulance thinking i had lost my father... i lost it then, and i was losing it now, thinking my sister would drop too.
my mom was in rough shape and my sister was having a heart attack too?
my phone rang... i heard my sweet sisters voice... and she said.. so, i am not having a heart attack, i have a broken heart because mom is sick. they diagnosed me with a broken heart.
the courage my sister showed, having a doctor tell her she had a broken heart and then re-starting with that knowledge. most people don't even go there. she gets up every morning and cries over our mom and journals, before anyone starts the day, so that she can be her best.
that courage blows me away.
what is my no regret story?
where is my courage?
on my way home from yoga last night. i was crying. i couldn't see the road. i pulled over. i BLASTED "shake it off" by florence and the machine and i literally on the side of the road, last night just sat with my broken heart till it let up.
" i am going to cut it out and re-start" hurt when it came over the speakers.
i am thankful no cops were around.
i am not going to apologize for being madly in love with my mom and completely feeling my whole universe shake in her suffering.
one thing i know. i will live with no regrets, have too much fun and love with much maddness.
to watch someone suffer bears a compassion and courage that is needed in a world crawling with cowards.
don't dance with a devil on your back, shake it off.
that image of my mom singing no regrets has imprinted my soul.
tonight i am going to bury my regrets in the ground...
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