a constant rant...

grief. i hate you but i am forced to embrace you.
i get really quiet. and i realize the shortness of this life.
the sky is so blue and
my heart is SO broken.
how the heck do you stay healthy during these times?
i read every book i can get my paws on.
i work out everyday.
i pray.
i do yoga.
i am madly in love with my girfriends.
my cup is full, most of the time.
but sometimes i throw it to the ground and you know what i don't care.

maybe if i had made other choices, followed my "wild" adventures, had babies, got married and could somehow disconnect to my mom, then... i wouldn't be who i am today.
someone needs to write a book on losing a mom. i mean there is no instruction manual for this one.

maybe i loved her too much. maybe that's what people think. i don't really care, i'd rather love too much then love to little. loving to little is mundane.

i didn't know the person that built me would suffer until death.

i want to be one of those people who stuffs there emotions sometimes. i have emeresed myself in hot yoga and then in B.E.S.T. holistic medicine, grief groups, support systems...etc. and i think it's all well and good that i am "strong" and "healthy" but you know what, i want my mom to not suffer and that overwhelms me.
all joking aside i have old yella' flashes every morning. put'em down. make it stop. give her peace.

she has not said one thing about her suffering which melts my mind.

how precious it is to see such dignity.