Just because Nana is dead...

I am in between 33-34 weeks pregnant, my everything is preparing for my son's arrival and it is time to discuss who is nana? Who is grandma? Who is grampy? Of course the topic of papa scarano and his longevity! Long live papa scarano. I would like to also point out that Max gets a great nana and a great grampy, a blessing I never knew. As most of you know, my mother passed away 3 days before my wedding last fall and just a week shy of her wedding anniversary... I managed to get pregnant somewhere inbetween Christmas and New Year's eve which I find hilarious, thank you nostaligic christmas trains and champagne! It is sweet, Christmas happens to be a season my husband has adored since childhood. He gets very happy at the start of season and usually is all in by Thanksgiving. I never have to slow down my tradtion of the Christmas Tree being up Thanksgiving weekend with him. . . Two days ago, he said to me, "Just because Nana is dead does not mean she is not still Nana." Funny, how did he know? I had been wrestling this for a couple days. Just really trying to find what I felt about not having my mom who is and forever will be Nana. My mom was a nana when I was born. My sister Peggy had already had 3 young girls when I showed up. For some time, I thought my mom's name was nana. She was nana but my mom. I had heard nana just as much as I heard mom. Every single time I hear Nana is floods me with memories of my mom. It is such a sweet spot for me, I could be having a bad day and if I think Nana, this sweet peace comes. Nana... it's like a kiss on the forehead. I have not talked too much about what happened on the Sunday night before my wedding and the day before my mom passed. We talked. She didn't say as much as she ususally did. My best friend Kim was visiting and we were really trying to comfort her because she had already started dying that night. Kim and I both knew it. After Kim left, I sat next to my mom and said to her " you don't have to hold on until my wedding, I can see you are suffering. My wedding and my life will have the imprint of your influence, who you are will impact me all the days of my life. If you let go, I will be okay, I promise. I will do the things we have talked about. I will go forward with the wedding. You have imprinted on me, Mom." This was special to her, because she knew the conversation I was referring too. She also knew the imprint metaphor. She knew the mystical view of how wolves only take one love, that they imprint on each other. We used to watch Wolf Documentaries. This is one of the reasons Eli is Eli Wolf Scarano. The Wolf was a homage to my mom. She got such a kick out of how he looked like a little wolf when he was a puppy. How will I teach my son about Nana? How will I share with him the legacy of her? I just have to trust that somehow I can. That somehow I can present stories and joy to him about Nana. That he had a Nana who loved his mom so much... that he is part of her legacy.