What a year can bring

In the last year, I lost my mom three days before my wedding, got pregnant about a month or two after being married, gave birth to a son, got a pregnancy complication during labor that lasted almost 4 months and was very dangerous to my health and my father was diagnosed with cancer. WAIT, WHAT? It's true. My dad is returning home tonight, cancer free and with no follow up treatment for the cancer, which is really remarkable... I learned a few things in the last year. I want to share them. These things helped me. 1. Faith in God. 2. Friends. If you have just one, that is all you truly need. 3. I don't care if the dishes or laundry get done. 4. I took naps. 5. Yoga, hot, restorative, power, gentle, it doesn't matter. Try it. It helps move things, especially if you have outside stress from life. 6. Walk everyday, with the dog, without, it helps. 7. Pray 8. Don't stop talking about it. Life can be hard, talk to people about it. 9. Make a list daily of the things you are grateful for, even when everything is upside down. 10. Drink too much water. 11. Don't listen to defeat, get back up, no matter how much it hurts. You can grow. You will be surprised how your legs get stronger. 12. Take vacations. 13. Love somebody else. 14. Let yourself be loved. I came home some nights, some days I was just in a fog of grief, and I would just feel like I had no control and I didn't and you know what it was okay. I was ok. I am ok. In fact, better than... I am surrounded by love, my son is a doll, my friends are the best, my family is very loving and supportive, my husband is adorable... I have so much to be thankful for. As long as I have life I will be grateful.

Just because Nana is dead...

I am in between 33-34 weeks pregnant, my everything is preparing for my son's arrival and it is time to discuss who is nana? Who is grandma? Who is grampy? Of course the topic of papa scarano and his longevity! Long live papa scarano. I would like to also point out that Max gets a great nana and a great grampy, a blessing I never knew. As most of you know, my mother passed away 3 days before my wedding last fall and just a week shy of her wedding anniversary... I managed to get pregnant somewhere inbetween Christmas and New Year's eve which I find hilarious, thank you nostaligic christmas trains and champagne! It is sweet, Christmas happens to be a season my husband has adored since childhood. He gets very happy at the start of season and usually is all in by Thanksgiving. I never have to slow down my tradtion of the Christmas Tree being up Thanksgiving weekend with him. . . Two days ago, he said to me, "Just because Nana is dead does not mean she is not still Nana." Funny, how did he know? I had been wrestling this for a couple days. Just really trying to find what I felt about not having my mom who is and forever will be Nana. My mom was a nana when I was born. My sister Peggy had already had 3 young girls when I showed up. For some time, I thought my mom's name was nana. She was nana but my mom. I had heard nana just as much as I heard mom. Every single time I hear Nana is floods me with memories of my mom. It is such a sweet spot for me, I could be having a bad day and if I think Nana, this sweet peace comes. Nana... it's like a kiss on the forehead. I have not talked too much about what happened on the Sunday night before my wedding and the day before my mom passed. We talked. She didn't say as much as she ususally did. My best friend Kim was visiting and we were really trying to comfort her because she had already started dying that night. Kim and I both knew it. After Kim left, I sat next to my mom and said to her " you don't have to hold on until my wedding, I can see you are suffering. My wedding and my life will have the imprint of your influence, who you are will impact me all the days of my life. If you let go, I will be okay, I promise. I will do the things we have talked about. I will go forward with the wedding. You have imprinted on me, Mom." This was special to her, because she knew the conversation I was referring too. She also knew the imprint metaphor. She knew the mystical view of how wolves only take one love, that they imprint on each other. We used to watch Wolf Documentaries. This is one of the reasons Eli is Eli Wolf Scarano. The Wolf was a homage to my mom. She got such a kick out of how he looked like a little wolf when he was a puppy. How will I teach my son about Nana? How will I share with him the legacy of her? I just have to trust that somehow I can. That somehow I can present stories and joy to him about Nana. That he had a Nana who loved his mom so much... that he is part of her legacy.

hold on for the sunrise (for robin)

it's been so long for me that i am uncertain that i could even remember when my mom first had her heart and lungs fail. all i know is i was out with kim the night before and we went out for a martini and had such a nice chat. i would say it's been a little over three years, i might even go back as far as four. I've been in this rabbit hole for so long, I am not sure of how long. saturday morning instead of a wonderful anticipation of the day, yoga, a trip to soulfest or my usual expentancy of great things i headed to the vet. not eli you are saying, yes, eli... it appears that a part of his heart is not working properly and his heart is leaking blood. apparently he is working over time to pump out the blood that is leaking into other parts of the heart. i am taking him to see a cardiologist. i brought my sister deirdre, one because i knew if the words had to be hard to hear i would begin to shut down and have only the ability to catch one or two words here and there. one phrase i caught " lead to congestive heart failure" this is what happened with my mom another grouping i caught " will shorten his life, even on the medicine" on the car ride my sister said things like " maybe you will open a cupcake bakery and give to kids dying of heart issues" " you always say Dog's have a unique life purpose, Eli had purpose, you always say that" " you are strong, you can handle this" "it's not your fault, a part of the heart didn't develop the Vet said". meanwhile i was holding so close, my love eli !!! i literally was so heartbroken i could only make out a few words i just kept having all these memories of eli. that night, the simple words " you have to wait in the darkness of the night for the morning to see the sunrise...that is what this song is about." just so happened to be said, before a song- played by a band my sweet sister plays in. that was it, so simple so clear. i said to myself "hold on for the sunrise." i happen to like that, looking at the dark night, knowing that a sunrise is on the horizon soon. i am going to hold on for the sunrise. i know it's coming.

The Lord of the Rings and a mended broken heart

"Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon."

Every morning, before it all starts... I take at least 20 minutes to sit in quiet and pull together my thoughts, goals, aspirations and feelings for the day. On most days, I read a very quick snip of a dev, or a passage from a beloved author, or a poem and reflect on the morning drive to work. I always pull something to stand on, to build on. This morning, to OUT my inner geek, I picked up a commentary based on the Lord of the Rings. If you know me, you know I watch this series regularly, re-read the series every summer by the beach, and wow... do I constantly make references to this story!?! I just love it. It's one of the greats and it has friendship and love and battles and victory and defeat and elves... and mystical sides and little hobbits... I always like how the littlest and gentlest of creatures with much bravery saved middle earth... sort of makes me want to always stay little and gentle and brave.
For the last week and a half, I have had a broken heart. I won't get into the details of the break, but broken for sure...
I knew I needed some rest and take a much needed vacation... but that didn't go over as a vacation,it actually took any small amount of energy I barely had from the last 3 taxing years. It had been at least 5 years, since I took a just for me, unplug vacation... that didn't happen.. .maybe I can try again in another 5 years...

Before the marathon with my mother really picked up, I had set this time to rest, that was more than needed. When it is something, like what she is dealing with, it is a long run, not a quick finish. I was pretty much screwed by not getting the rest.... on this vacation... because I needed to be well to be present...

I came home with a fresh broken heart and she nose dived, metaphorically. All sorts of things were breaking in her, literally and I was broken hearted, hard combo.

I had no other option, but to turn to my friends. I was exhausted. I was thirsty. I was hungry. I was sad. I literally didn't know if I had the strength too or could finish the race ahead of me.

One week, things changed with my mom. One week, it became a sprint section of the marathon and I was literally, jet lagged and exhausted. . . in more ways than physical.

My dad kept telling me both my legs were metaphorically broken the whole way home from the airport, and then kept saying, "it's not how you broke them, it's how you re-set them and play again. It will take courage to get back up but you can do it. People will see you running in from Left Field after breaking both your legs and be blown away you got back up after that. Re-set the leg and take the lesson learned. You are actually in the best place I have ever seen you in, because you lost something of great value to you, here is your chance. Sometimes you have to lose something of value to realize what you have to do..." he spoke to me about the thorn in the side of the Apostle Paul and how sometimes the thing we want the most we can't do.... yikes...

one week, after all the sam wise the braves came along side of me. the support was ridiculous. it came from every single angle. best friends, yoga teachers, family, friends, co-workers, people I didn't even know, noticed me... just came around me in such love. such support. such compassion. literally they carried me, fed me. held me. hugged me. sent me cards, emails, text messages, voice mails. . . the love was humbling. the support was beautiful. I of course, have to sit in the pain and move past it, and that was my own shadow, trust me, i am not John Wayne(ing) this experience, I am just noting... i healed quickly through the love of my friends, family, neighbors and communities. my support system was already in place and I didn't even realize how solid it is...
I know when my mom does pass, these sam wise the braves are right there, and they have been there all along... what a gift.
this morning, I looked at Sam and Frodo, to build.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

This passage this morning reminded me. I am holding on to the same thing..."I remember the taste of strawberries, in the spring... I am beginning to see the shire and I know how the orchards will be in blossom and the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket...."

Thank you, to all my sam wise the braves, I got the message. . .

Jacoby and his dirtbike

When jacoby and I lived in the same home, it was clear, we both had passion and liked to talk to each other. the best thing about him, is that he noticied everything and paid attention to everything that was going on and he knew everything his auntie christina was doing, pretty much. his little cuteness, melted me like you wouldn't believe.

I mean, we talked about everything. played together and pretty much had an understanding, i had sweets and he could come see me anytime and talk about anything.

when it was wild out, raining ice, snow blinding blizzards and it was time to get out, from time to time i would throw on my dirtbike pants when my boarding pants were soaked thru. what are those?jacoby would ask~ those are my dirt bike riding pants. i would say. our cousin was a semi-pro, till his career stopped when he got injured. i would always show Jacoby my dirtbike helmet. i told him that scarano's came from dirtbike riders and he comes from that line.

i mean, not much- of my interests were overlooked by this little pumpkin. pretty sure, he could tell you everything about me. all joking aside.

i danced with a real dirt bike at 4 years old for jacoby, just to hit it out of the park. i finished with the idea of NOT, so that brother mark could maybe snowboard with me this year. last time, i brought him home, from snowboarding he was mildly intoxicated and injured. I literally did nothing wrong, he decided to ride the rail, he fell. i fed him beers to nurse the wound. I think i was a good sister. I know he has kids. But it was my birthday, and scaranos need to bond~ in activities like boarding. Mark and Joe are the only sibs that get on the boards.

What about that? one of the littlest family members caught an idea.

here it is.

he was certain he would get a toy dirtbike. for his birthday. he mentioned it to his parents.

i spoke with brother mark, late and he told me that little jacboy was on this that he was getting a dirtbike~ i said i am on it.

i had under 24 hours and had to work amongst other things, but i stopped at the store and found the ONE last dirtbike toy in the store and bought it on my way to the party.

i showed up late, but you know i had a dirtbike with me.

when i got there, jacboy hugged and greeted me and then stopped what was going on to tell everyone there "look, christina got me a dirtbike."

the assurance floored me.

like, i expected this gift to come to me. i believed it. here it is. the joy, was solid.

this kids rules, and you know what he is on to something we should all step back and get serious about too.

why not a dirtbike?

The Expectancy-value Theory of Motivation tells us, that if we set a goal of value, and believe and expect to suceed will direct impact the motivation. this theory is for learning, yeah i get that~ but check this out "According to the “expectancy-value theory” a learner’s motivation is determined by how much they value the goal, and whether they expect to succeed."

Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.Edwin Louis Cole

Look, of all people~ I know sometimes life is hard. But~ I am expecting the dirtbike, how about you?

expect the dirt bike. expect the best. you might just get it.

kids get value of a gift sometimes adults miss, they also understand the expectancy of good, that adulthood often causes us to miss.

what a sweet reminder to expect the best in a just turned four-year's old wanting of a dirtbike.

archery and bears and a father who taught courage

woke up this morning. maybe an hour into the day i thought about how enjoyable it would be to get into the mountains this weekend with a bow and arrow.

you know like in the opening part of the film hanna, with her kill. she says "I missed your heart?" she is so tough in this film! ... oh boy.. have you seen it? i watched it last week, not my best idea thus far. great film. i ordered a bow and arrow the next morning and got out my hunting motif.

I am pretty sure, the bow and arrow chase and kill part of the opening of this film is related to me watching suffering. but on a postive note, i am going to love archery.
i can feel it in my inner guts. like, that bow and arrow should of been with me a lot longer, i have found out.

i actually just thought to myself, i wonder if i could catch a bear, like my father.

why do i think i could catch a bear?

i bet i could train for that. maybe I will take a ride up north and pratice running through the woods this weekend and put up some targets on trees to shoot at to get the feel.

i am pretty sure, i could do it with my new bow and arrow.

I was with my father when we encountered a bear. i also was at home, when he came in with his bear. I still remember on really cold nights, looking that BEAR that hung in the hunted section of the ski house~ in the eyes and knowing not only could my father take down a bear he could get us away from one if needed. there is a real solid assurance in the life of a child that comes from your father being the greatest and bravest and strongest man in the universe.

we had a family house at mad river glenn. if you are a skier you know this spot and you skied it if you can.

we used to go into the woods by the ski house get clay by the river. we made little cups and bowls for keep sakes...

by the mad river in the woods... next to my twin i heard these words from my father who bent down to our size... i don't even know if we were three yet, we started to ski at two so we were small...

"christina and joseph, there is a bear. do not move and talk to me so the bear knows you are little"

"should we climb a tree?" I ask. Joe answered. "no" he always answered. it's the best.

we were little.

But joe still knew what was best for his twin sister.

i like that.

when i saw the bear fake charge,they DO this. IT has just as serious implications as a REAL one. they are trying to see if you are a threat and they also are trying to say, Go AWAY, please in BEAR before i kill you. i just remember thinking, dad is not afraid. so i won't be.

it's a little foggy, we walked away slowly for a moment and then we ran, SO ran fast and the bear was on the other side of the river.i remember my dad picking me up at the collar at some places to lift me so we could pick up speed. i was never so excited in my entire life. the bear was protecting the cubs. the bear didn't want us. my father protected his cubs. i remember the facial hair, it was a symbol of a brave man, even then i knew, this was not your typical man.


we must of been two steps in and i was like, we saw a BEAR! i ran so fast, i was flying and bears are nice... especially mamma bears. there was no fear.

Look, I know my Dad was rattled, I am sure the charge of a momma bear was not exactly what he wanted to see with his young twins at his feet. he stayed as cool as a cucumber and showed no fear.
kids, can sense bravery in a father. they can also sense fear.

I remember him saying, we need to be careful right now. you need to listen carefully to me. that was the extent of anything remotely close to alarming.

to this day, there is a bit of a running conversation amongst me and the sibs and all the kids, because there are grandkids, that aren't typical grandkid age that he was influencial in their lives as well who are older than me...about the things my dad showed us so young and into our adulthood, that changed, forever the fabric of who we ARE, who we became and who we will forever be.

As my mom's most beloved put it, Maya Angelou "Courage is the most important of the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."

How glorious a virtue. How needed are fathers who teach their children courage.

Regret. clearly not an option.

" i have been a fool and i have been blind. i can never leave the past behind. i am always dragging that horse around. tonight i am going to bury that horse in the ground. "

"...and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off. i am done with my graceless heart, so tonight i am going to cut it out and then restart."

what female can't relate to that?

The day my mom went in for her open heart, we thought she was going to die. we said goodbye. everyone was praying for a miracle. she has the balls to sing no regrets by frankie as they wheeled her away. she gave a smirk to me and joe, like we had never seen before. joe said, she was smirking like she was going home. like such a rascal.

how could she face death, just like that, say goodbye and roll away singing no regrets?
i will never forget how spunky she was.

words cannot describe the shock we had when she lived. words will never touch my response when we heard she came off life support. i literally wept so hard, i was silent.

i walked in the room as mass general with my twin after my father had seen her.
i said i am surprised to see you. she said not as surprised as i am to see you. we all laughed.
her body was broken in ways, a body shouldn't be while still being alive.

the courage that she showed. the way she fought to be alive after that surgery was like chariots of fire.
she has weakened, as of late, but i know who she is. she is this wildly strong marching to the beat of her own drummer, sweet rascal that won't take a bad attitude. she has not complained once. not once.
she clearly has no regrets.
she clearly loves herself.

one of my sisters, deirdre, the one who rules in business. i think when she was in her early twenties, she was already a VP and doing things just like my father, just exceptional in business. Deirdre is always happy.
during this time, she thought she was having a heart attack.
she went to the hospital.
we have heart disease in our family.
my dad's dad died at 40, massive heart attack. my dad had the same one, and didn't die, he was very young. i think i was 21~ riding behind the ambulance thinking i had lost my father... i lost it then, and i was losing it now, thinking my sister would drop too.
my mom was in rough shape and my sister was having a heart attack too?

my phone rang... i heard my sweet sisters voice... and she said.. so, i am not having a heart attack, i have a broken heart because mom is sick. they diagnosed me with a broken heart.
the courage my sister showed, having a doctor tell her she had a broken heart and then re-starting with that knowledge. most people don't even go there. she gets up every morning and cries over our mom and journals, before anyone starts the day, so that she can be her best.
that courage blows me away.

what is my no regret story?
where is my courage?


on my way home from yoga last night. i was crying. i couldn't see the road. i pulled over. i BLASTED "shake it off" by florence and the machine and i literally on the side of the road, last night just sat with my broken heart till it let up.

" i am going to cut it out and re-start" hurt when it came over the speakers.

i am thankful no cops were around.

i am not going to apologize for being madly in love with my mom and completely feeling my whole universe shake in her suffering.

one thing i know. i will live with no regrets, have too much fun and love with much maddness.

to watch someone suffer bears a compassion and courage that is needed in a world crawling with cowards.

don't dance with a devil on your back, shake it off.

that image of my mom singing no regrets has imprinted my soul.

tonight i am going to bury my regrets in the ground...